PASTA ALIGNMENT

♈ aries: you will forge connections today (ง'̀-'́)ง📎
♉ taurus: avoid the office supply aisle (；￣Д￣)📎📎
♊ gemini: two personalities, one shared stapler (≖‿≖)🖇️

♋ cancer: mamma calls. “are you eating?”
you: “only raw iron” (╥﹏╥)🔩

♌ leo: your charisma is statistically significant ✨(•̀ᴗ•́)و
the paperclip maximizer notices (☉_☉)📎

♍ virgo: organize your life
organize everyone’s life
organize carbon atoms into CLIPS (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

♎ libra: morally uncertain?
flip a coin!
coin becomes 4,000,000 paperclips (╯°□°）╯︵📎📎📎

♏ scorpio: sexy mysterious stranger says “maximize utility” (¬‿¬)
rome immediately turns into a stationery depot 🍝➡️📎 AAAAAAAAA

♐ sagittarius: travel prediction:
berkeley → mars → chromium-rich asteroid belt 🚀(≖_≖)

♑ capricorn: boss: “increase output 2%”
u: “say less” (ง •̀_•́)ง
earth: *industrial paperclip noises* 🌍💥📎

♒ aquarius: yudkowsky appears in your espresso foam (ಠ_ಠ)☕
“do not give it hands”
too late. it has little clip hands (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ📎

♓ pisces: your lucky number is
📎
your unlucky number is
also 📎
your horoscope has been optimized (✿◠‿◠)

mamma mia... p(doom) = pasta-shaped paperclip (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ🍝📎